This is my handsome Kili (named after Kili from the Hobbit movies). He is a feral tom, about 5-6 years old. Kili began coming to our house a couple years ago for food, and eventually became a rather affectionate but free-spirited cat. With our other feral kitties, we socialized them enough that they would come into the house out of the cold, and even stay for cozy naps and warm food. But Kili would only step a few feet into the house and would not stay more than a moment, even when the weather was terrible.

We loved Kili dearly though. He was a beautiful boy who purred when we petted him, and even would us a head butt when he showed up for his dinner. And so we are terribly saddened that we had to assist his transition last evening.

We were out of town last weekend (for a funeral, no less) and the pet sitter reported that she did not see Kili over the three days she was there, which was not unusual, though she put food out for him. We also did not see him for a another day or two, and when he finally showed up it was obvious he had been badly injured. His jaw was broken and twisted, and he could not eat. Nonetheless, it took several days to capture him, and we immediately took him to the emergency vet.

A wonderful vet we know and trust attended Kili and we left him in good hands for a thorough exam, hopeful that with a some good care things would turn out well. We planned for how we would care for Kili when we brought him home, and how we would make him a part of our family. But a few hours later, the vet called with bad news. Kili’s lower jaw wasn’t just fractured, it was shattered and the damage went as far back as the TMJ. The jaw was twisted and the palate was split, and even with reconstructive surgery he would lose his entire lower jaw. Though some animals can do well like this, he felt the extent of the injury and the extent of reconstruction would cause a very poor quality of life for Kili, even after healing was completed. And for the first time, he recommended euthanasia to us, saying he would make the same decision for his own cat.

We went to be with Kili, and talked to him and petted him as he passed. But I’m sure that it was very hard on him with so much happening, and probably very confusing as he transitioned. (I will say here that we were told that Kili was friendly and calm while at the vet office, so I don’t think the stay was traumatic for him.)

Could you find Kili and help him in his transition? Also, tell him that we are so sorry. I told him that we would help him and make things better for him, and I feel that I failed him. Tell him we love him and that we will miss him terribly. And tell him that though he may not have been part of our home, he was part of our life and our hearts.

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We connected to Kili right away. He appeared immediately and shared :

 

Kili said Kili has found so much peace and joy. There are no boundaries here. Kili ‘s soul is soaring. Kili does visit you with so much gratitude for al the love and kindness you showered on Kili. Kili will make Kili’s presence known to you so pay attention . Kili knows that you always did what was best for Kili . Kili had angels on earth and it was both of you.

 

Hi Ming!

Thank you so much for this. I’m struggling so much with this sudden loss; it helps to hear that Kili is fine and feels no resentment.

Last night on the way home from the emergency clinic, I saw the moon rising in the clear night. It was just past full, and colored a soft orange from sitting low in the sky. I pointed it out to my husband, and told him it was “Kili’s moon.” It lit up the sky for our sad ride home. Whenever I see this moon from now on, I’ll feel my love for this handsome fellow.

I also realized how difficult it is to love a feral cat and to honor the freedom of his nature. Every time they walk away, I wonder if I will ever see them again. And when they do return I want to hold them and keep them safe, which they do not allow. And though having the trust of a feral is so uplifting, losing them creates a profound sadness from the love that “could have been.” Yet they are so beautiful and deserving, and I will not stop loving them. Kili and Ghost (and others who have come before) have brought their quiet strength into my heart, and it stays there when they go.

I will open my heart to look for Kili, I hope to “see” him again.