(Caren is one of Reiki Fur Babies’ Reiki Masters, I love her story)
On My Journey
When I asked my Reiki mentor, Ming Chee, how I was supposed to use my life experiences to serve others, she suggested posting them on my Reiki page. That sounded like a great idea until I tried to figure out exactly what to say, why I should say it, and what conclusions I could draw from my life experiences. With some quiet time spent with my inner guides, I soon learned that I just need to start. The path would open to me as I went along. Maybe these posts can give me some clarity. Maybe these posts can help others. I sure hope so.
My lifelong dream, since I was a little girl, has been to rescue horses. I could see myself retraining horses that had been abused by gaining their trust and giving them a new story for their lives. I would then match them up with a family that would honor their story and they would all live happily ever after. Of course, in my dream, I would make enough money doing this to live a good life and have everything I wanted. Horses talked to me when I was a kid. I loved them whole- heartedly and with much love, turned around even dangerous ponies that others had given up on. I had a gift, but as I grew, I learned to disbelieve it and after a while, horses didn’t talk to me so much. Or maybe it was just that I couldn’t hear them.
I didn’t realize it for many years, but *I* was the one who needed rescuing. With my three sisters and my brother, we endured a chaotic and painful childhood. Divorce, poverty, hunger, physical abuse, mental abuse, and alcoholism were daily parts of our lives. But I thought this was normal. And for us, it was. Hope was taken away from us. We could see no way out and in fact, were discouraged from trying to get better lives. Mom didn’t expect any of us to do better than becoming waitresses and babysitters. From my brother, she expected (and got) alcoholism. I was ridiculed for reading, getting straight A’s, wanting to
go to college, and longing for riding lessons. It wasn’t long before I gave up asking. Depression took hold of me and I struggle with it to this day, but I knew I had to depend on myself if I wanted to get farther in life.
I’m still not sure why I’m even sharing this. But, here goes anyway!
I got married to the first man who asked me so I could get out of that crazy house. We stayed married for seven years. In that time, I was diagnosed with renal (kidney) disease. It progressed to end stage renal disease and by the time we broke up and divorced, I was on dialysis and in love with another man. What an insane time that was! My brother saved my life with a donation of one of his kidneys. Funny thing, that kidney lasted seven years, just like my first marriage! In between, I had problems with my bones falling apart. I had my first hip replacement when I was only 26. Side effects from the drugs I took made me ill. Dialysis made me ill. The new kidney was like a second chance at life. My new beau and I got married. Life was looking up!
But things kept happening. More surgeries, more injuries, more doubts, more setbacks; until one day I was told that I was losing my new kidney and I should start looking for a new donor. Wow. I had started my spiritual journey by then and I *thought* I had it all figured out! HA!! The universe must still be laughing at that one! So, I started over. Luckily, one sister was a good enough match and she was eager to help me. Once again, I started over. This kidney didn’t match as well as the first one, so I had extra anti-rejection drugs. My body tried to reject the new kidney twice, almost succeeding the first time. The drugs they gave me to stop the rejection nearly killed me, but it worked. I continued to search for meaning to my life in spiritual books and wherever I thought I could find answers. The bone disease continued. More surgeries on joints were endured. The new anti-rejection drug caused something new – skin cancer was showing up, mostly on my hands and arms. Surgeries for skin cancer began to become regular occurrences.
Then the worst happened. I lost my beloved husband to cancer and heart disease. My world crashed around me. The pain was indescribable. It tore me apart. Working through the grief was agonizing, but I did it. I have a new boyfriend now and we are traveling our spiritual paths together.
Throughout all this, I struggled to keep up my horsemanship. Starting over again and again, I found that as I lost flexibility and condition, I lost confidence. I found myself becoming afraid, even though for the longest time, I could not admit it even to myself. The horses felt the fear. They lost confidence in me. As a result, when they felt my fear, they bolted, spooked, and bucked. I fell, broke bones, and received concussions. Determined to get back on and ride it out, I rode the first chance I got after I healed from my injuries. The fear got worse. The injuries got worse. My horses suffered and lost confidence. I suffered and lost confidence. Then one day, I decided that I couldn’t ride any more.
For the past couple of years, I’ve tried to reconcile myself to my new life of not riding horses. I still have my three horses, but I felt guilty about not riding them or even not giving them enough time with me. I searched and searched for meaning and lessons in all of this. Why do I want to ride and help horses so much if I only keep getting hurt? What the hell is it all about any way?
Lately, I have decided to try again, this time using Law of Attraction to see how far I can go with it. With help from my wonderful mentors and my inner guides, I am playing with idea that it’s possible to ride again and to find a way to help horses. I’m using the processes in the book, “Ask and It Is Given” by Abraham-Hicks. I’m hopeful again. And maybe, just maybe, I can help others too. That is my wish. Who knows what I will find.